03/28/2008 02:45 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Fox Guest Drops Her Pepper-Spray 'Knowledge' On Hannity And Colmes

In a rare occurrence, Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes managed to somehow get out-idioted by a guest on their eponymous show. Taking up the issue of the Miss Puerto Rico pepper-spray scandal, Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey was on hand to speculate wildly and offer her medical opinion on the effects of pepper spray on people. There was, even as she spoke, an actual forensic pathologist named Dr. Michael Baden sitting right there in the room with Hannity And Colmes, but this is Fox, remember? And in keeping with Fox traditions, a leading expert's opinion needed to be balanced by the opinion of someone who hadn't the faintest, ever-loving clue what they were talking about.

For those of us who are fans of people whose brainstems are in no way connected to the hole on their face from which sounds somehow emanate, the segment is a real tour-de-force, and it only gets better once the conversation leaves the topic of Miss Puerto Rico and ventures into the world of beauty pageants themselves. On the matter of competitive bikini-wearing, which even Sean Hannity seems to think is a trifle exploitative, Finnessey contends the bikini competition is vital in proving "stamina." Furthermore, Finnessey maintains that pageant winners looking good is vital to the human race:

The reason that they're looking for someone who is physically attractive is because you immediately become a national spokesperson. When you're Miss USA, you become a spokesperson for breast and ovarian cancer and Miss Universe for AIDS awareness. So you want someone who has that impact when they walk into a room. She is beautiful. People want to listen to her and what message she has to bring.

I have to admit, Finnessey definitely leaves precisely the impression she describes. "Sweet fancy Moses," I thought to myself, drinking in the impact she was making, "It's a good thing she's so pretty."

In keeping with other Fox traditions, the segment featured plenty of the porny footage for which Fox is known. However, the producer of the piece waited until the end to drop Finnessey's identification chyron in order to give viewers a close-up look at her fantastic rack. This is what passes for restraint at Fox.