03/28/2008 02:46 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Kooky Editorial In Concord Monitor Asserts That Women Cannot Be President

Well, thanks to the good people at Wonkette, we can now be assured that we've heard just about everything. Apparently, some local crank named Dick Marple, passing himself off as a Constitutional authority (a breed of citizen more commonly known as "Ron Paul supporter"), penned an op-ed for the Concord Monitor that asserts that women are legally disallowed from being president. The dodgy reasoning underpinning this argument?

The language is clear. The 19th Amendment says: "The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex."

We cannot read into the amendment something that is not there. Now, had the amendment said, "The right of citizens of the United States to vote or hold public office shall not be denied," it would have accomplished what the feminists think took place.

So, BURN, ladies. Marple goes on to insist that this whole matter will soon go before the Supreme Court, where they will rule against ovaries, and immediately order the Federal Reserve to devalue all currency bearing the likenesses of Susan B. Anthony and Sacajawea. Clarence Thomas will probably write the majority opinion, thus allowing him to judicially sexually harass all women everywhere at the same time.

Naturally, Marple is a few crackers short of a box of Ritz with his reasoning: "Today's feminists believe the election process is an evolutionary process, legalized by common practice and that someday a woman will be president. They are convinced that since women have run for the office, the male-gendered presidential office has been neutered. Not so." Uhm, I'm going to have to bet you a nickel that he's TOTALLY wrong!

ARTICLE 2, Section 1, Clause 5 of the United States Constitution: "No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States."

You owe me a nickel, Marple!