07/12/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Dickipedia: Uncle Sam

Uncle Sam (born July 4, 1776) is the national personification of the United States, an economic and cultural imperialist, the mascot of the New York Yankees, frequent used car salesman, and a dick.

From the very moment Uncle Sam was born, he immediately began insisting that everybody else live exactly like him - speak his language, wear his style of clothing, listen to his music, eat his mass-produced fast food products. He's a dick in the same way as your pretentious friend who demands that you listen to Radiohead, watch The Wire, and eat organic food because all those things are "sooooo amaaaaaazing." The big difference is that your pretentious friend won't launch precision air strikes on your apartment or incinerate your entire city with a nuclear bomb if you don't like the new Jim Jarmusch movie.

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