03/13/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

7 Things Nobody Tells You About Aging

Would you come here for a second? A little closer. Okay, I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly. Can you see my mustache? No? You're sure? That's probably because I shaved this morning. Not with a real razor; I used one of those little femmy things that looks like an eyeliner pencil, except on one end there's a blade which, if you hold the handle right, slices off hair. Egad, now you know.

If, like me, one of your aspirations is to one day be, by any measure or evaluation, really, really old, you're most likely going to have to deal with more than a mustache. You will probably get a full coat of down on your face, and a long stray hair here and there on your chin. The hair on your head will probably get thin, as will your eyebrows and eyelashes. (Oh, I nearly forgot your pubic hair, too.) You'll get spots on your hands and bunions on your feet. Your nose and ears may appear to have grown out of proportion to your face. And that expression "long in the tooth" will endearingly apply to you: A receding gum line will make your teeth look bigger.... I can't believe you're still reading this. Okay, as long as you're staying, I'll tell you how you can look beautiful as you age. Or at least how not to look like a man.

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