07/24/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Scientology's 5 Newest Celebrity Recruits: Who Will They Pick Up Next?

After he simultaneously impregnated and asexualized Katie Holmes, we're all a little sick and tired of Tom Cruise's Scientology-related antics. Luckily, there's a brand new list of celebrities that the CoS has marked as next in line for access into the Scientology jet. Or boat. Castle? Where do Scientologists practice? Anyway, here's a list of the lunatic Scientology prophets of tomorrow. Granted, they're not all Scientologists yet, but give it a few years and they'll be drinking the Scientology Kool-Aid. Or eating the Scientology Taco. Sucking down the Scientology Slurpee? Anyway here they are.