03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Alberto Gonzales Inspiring Students To Consider A Future In Cronyism

In case you were wondering what former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has been up to lately -- I mean besides not getting hired by any law firm, ever -- well, wonder no more! He's been at Texas Tech, teaching a special "political science class on the Executive Branch," which is sort of like getting an omelette to teach a special physics class on the structural integrity of eggshells. From that perch, Gonzo has been straight up inspiring the youth of the nation, based on those few memories of his time in the Bush administration that he would not be committing perjury to attest to remembering.

ThinkProgress's Matt Corley has Gonzales's inspiring valediction:

"Dream big but be patient," he said. "You never know when the next George W. Bush is going to come along and give you a once in a lifetime opportunity like he gave me, but you have to be patient."

So there you have it! Reach for the stars, kids, and hopefully, you too will eventually find yourself in some sort of crony network!

I'm guessing that any students who stood on their desks to recite "O Captain! My Captain!" had a hood forced over their heads and their testicles immediately fitted with electrodes.

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