06/04/2010 02:46 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Here's Your Eat The Press Guide To America's Beaches

Summer is here, and like many Americans, you might be thinking of heading to one of this country's scenic beaches. And not the Jersey Shore -- I think we can all agree that's totally played out. But you also might have heard about how many of the beaches in America may soon be, or already are, blanketed with oil and tar balls from the Deepwater Horizon yawning maw of gushing poison oil spill. You might be concerned about whether it's safe to go to those beaches. Well, fret not. I read today that unnamed "experts" are saying that it's totally safe!

WBRZ in Baton Rouge reports:

Oil has washed up along beaches across the Gulf Coast, but experts say it is not very dangerous to beach goers. They say you should stay away from oil on the beach or in the water, but swallowing some oil-tainted water or touching a tar ball will not be too harmful.

See? We are talking only a small amount of harm, from drinking "some" oil or "touching" a tar ball or two. You should probably be more concerned about the undertow, or jellyfish. In fact, you probably already are because unlike tar balls, those things are already at the beach, at all times.

But let's not get alarmist. Did you know that the oil you are likely to encounter on the beach is a variety called "medium sweet crude," which is "considered less toxic than other forms of oil?" These are facts, okay? Here, for example, is what a duck in a medium sweet crude reduction looks like:

That's all organic, by the way. Even the heartbreak!

In fairness to this Baton Rouge news outlet, the named experts in the piece -- the Centers For Disease Control -- say that "children are more sensitive to [oil spill exposure] than adults" and that mom and dad "should watch out for rashes or dark, sticky spots that are hard to wash off." You know, just like the bloodstains on Lady Macbeth, that came from murder.

It should be noted that it's not just oil that's washing up on America's coasts. One woman in Galveston, Texas recently stumbled upon 16 bricks of cocaine, just sitting on the beach! I don't know about you, but these days, I could just about Top Kill the hell out of some free cocaine.

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