GLAAD recently released their Network Responsibility Index, and Stephen Colbert couldn't have been more surprised by the results. His show wasn't singled out for intolerance toward gay people, unlike CBS, which will now introduce more gay characters due to a failing grade. Colbert concludes that his show only passed because someone on the show is gay, and it must be himself.
"Noooo! I can't be gay! I'm a happily married Conservative just like Ted Haggert and Larry Craig!" Colbert lamented.
He also used his masculine habit of beer drinking, and the Bud Light Lime he's been relentlessly advertising, as an example. But soon he starts to doubt himself, saying "I'm here. I may be queer. I might as well get used to it!" and promptly starts preparing for his cover story on People.