03/28/2011 07:05 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Roughhousing With Rita and Roseanne

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." -Rita Rudner

"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" -Rita Rudner

"When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always." -Rita Rudner

"As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then, hey, I've done my job." -Roseanne Barr

"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?" -Roseanne Barr

"My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside." -Roseanne Barr

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