05/11/2011 03:19 pm ET Updated Jul 11, 2011

Donald Trump Talks Cufflinks And Orgasms With 'Rolling Stone'

Yesterday, Public Policy Polling had some bad news for people who like the idea of Donald Trump running for president (by which I mean, "Donald Trump and his occasionally sycophantic celebrity apprentices"). His support had essentially hit the skids.

And in the wake of Trump's going all-in on Birtherism in order to get some attention for his pretend campaign, one might wonder: "What is Donald Trump going to talk about in order to manufacture some publicity?" Well, he could always fall back on menswear!

That's how Eric Hedegaard's begins his interview with Trump in Rolling Stone. The story, which is a wee bit dated in light of yesterday's polling, opens with Trump full of heady bluster about his brand and how well it performs in the marketplace:

Like you, we've always wondered what's inside Donald Trump's wallet. So, on a recent visit to his office at the top of Trump Tower in Manhattan, the epicenter of his vast real estate empire and putative presidential ambitions, we ask him if we can take a look. He pulls it out, dips it down and hides it behind his huge desk, peers inside, saying, "Let me just see if there's anything ... ," and then holds it out, fanning through it, revealing his Winged Foot Golf Club membership card and his very own gun permit, neither of which he apparently ever leaves home without.

"It's a Donald J. Trump wallet," he says, happily. He's still a fairly big, fairly imposing guy at age 64, has hair that's the patriotic shade of amber waves of grain, dresses like men of the world used to dress, in a dark suit, with a crisp, white shirt and a tie that's the subtlest pink ever. "We sell them at Macy's. They sell great. Hey -- I have the number-one-selling tie in the country. What color tie do you like? Your tie looks like shit. Do you want a tie? It's not a bribe. They're nothing. I sell shirts, PVH, Phillips-Van Heusen. Cuff links." He waves his arms around, shoots his cuffs to show off glittering cuff links. "Trump cuff links!" he shouts. "They're magnificent! Everybody's buying them! If I said I got them at Harry Winston, for $100,000, you'd believe it! Forty-nine dollars at Macy's! Macy's doesn't even want to carry other brands! We blow them out!"

For the record, Macy's does stock other brands of cufflinks, including some tasteful and reasonably priced items from Kenneth Cole, which would be the one's I'd gravitate to, given the choice. (They also stock some truly ghastly things from Nautica.)

Trump goes on and on, about his business savvy, and his morning constitutional: "OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don't dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things."

Also, whatever vices he has, chemical dependencies don't appear to be among them: "I've never smoked a cigarette in my life," he adds. "I've never had a drink, never had a joint, never had any drugs, never even had a cup of coffee. So, those are some good things about me." That's so close to "straight edge" that I'm a little disappointed that Hedegaard didn't try to reach Fugazi lead singer Ian MacKaye for a reaction.

But, as you probably already know, Trump does have the tendency to drone on about how awesome he is. That's when the interview took a turn for the weird:

And then he goes on about the ratings of Celebrity Apprentice and the ratings of himself in presidential polls, both of which are "very, very" high. This is all well and good, but it's incredibly boring, and eventually you are forced to cut him off, with, like, is there one orgasm in his life that he would consider the most memorable?

He leans back in his chair, tilts his head up, takes a long time to think this over, his cherubic cheeks reddening either with the effort of recollection or the maintenance of a boiler about to explode. At last, very smoothly, he says, "Well, always the children. And this building. Trump Tower." A duller answer one cannot imagine.

It's only dull if you decide to put the images of "always the children" in the proximity of Trump Tower out of your mind. Which, by the way, you should do immediately.

[Hat Tip: Americablog]

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