This week, all the sex, violence and crazy were basically intertwined. Sex leads to violence leads to crazy -- or crazy's in everything and sex and violence are what happens as a result. In any case, things continue to go really badly for everyone. And the recap:
Back in 1983, we find out why Constance thinks Moira's a tramp: She slept with her husband. More accurately, she slept with her husband and then he attempts to rape her, but Constance comes in and shoots them both. Moira gets it right in the eye -- explaining older Moira's wonky eye, but not how she's managed to age after dying. Constance, however, has not aged at all.
Ben and Viv want to move out, but it looks like their savings are gone and they're broke. Marcy, the realtor, tells Viv the house won't sell for what they got, but Viv tells her that she'll bake some cookies, buy some expensive flowers, and make it happen or she'll sue her for gross criminal negligence.
The reason the house won't sell becomes clear when a giant tour bus playing spooky music pulls up to show off the murder house for wacky tourists going on the gloom and doom doubledecker tour of LA. Viv decides to jump on board, only to find blood staining her white pants.
But no worries! Stress causes it, and along with death and divorce, moving is number three on the baby doctor's list of things that make stress go crazy. "NO MOVING," she says.
Ben looks thoughtful when he hears about ways to cause spontaneous miscarriage, probably because his ex-mistress Hayden has come over from Boston to tell him she's keeping the baby and is going to tell Viv.
But he's got some other problems. Mainly, blacking out and waking up in a patch of dirt covered in blood following a patient's consultation. The patient (played by Adina Porter, aka, Tara's mom from "True Blood") goes missing -- but she's not dead, she just tried to kill herself in front of Ben when he zonked out. Apparently, according to her soon to be ex-husband and the police detective looking for her, she's extremely boring.
Moira is not having a good day, or a good 30 years. She tries to get Ben to stick his hand in her breasts but he freaks out and tries to fire her, thus making her freak out and threaten to sue the Harmons. Sidenote: weird detective man also sees sexy maid, not 50-year-old maid.
We go back to 1922, and the original owners of the house, Dr. Crazy and his wife, hysterical socialite Nora. From surgeon of the stars to drug addict, this doctor spends all his time in the basement sewing bats wings on pig fetuses and bottling odd creature parts. Luckily, Nora's got a solution: Perform illegal abortions for cash. On the tour of Eternal Darkness, we hear that this ended in a violent climax --
Which we don't see. But Nora shows up in the Harmon's house, where Viv takes her on a tour. She admires the Tiffany glass but is horrified by the pasta handle nozzle thing and the microwave in the modern kitchen. Then she literally disappears.
The burned man continues to harass Ben. He wants $1,000. Ben doesn't want to give it to him. Then, after Hayden storms his house, and then storms out, the burned man hits her in the head with a shovel, killing her.
"You're a murderer!" cries Ben.
This was already true. Now it's true again. The burned man wants that $1,000. He digs a hole in the ground, exposing Moira's grave, before Ben cements it over and builds a gazebo on top. Nice place to have a Long Island Iced Tea, as Constance would say.