11/29/2011 01:56 pm ET

'Onion News Network': High Unemployment, Face Tattoos Linked (VIDEO)

You may think the nation's high unemployment is due to the recession, but that's not the whole story. Have you noticed that up to 35% of Americans now have tattoos on their face? Neither did we, but that's why "Onion News Network" is here to inform of us of these important things.

"Just because I clearly lack good judgement doesn't mean I won't make a good employee," argued one poor man with tribal designs covering nearly his entire face.

As you'll see in the hard-hitting segment above, the facial tattoo trend is forcing millions of Americans to forgo getting jobs -- and Joe Biden's not exactly helping things.

Catch "ONN" on IFC Fridays at 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 CST.