12/14/2011 03:17 pm ET

Onion News Network: Is Ashton Kutcher Dating A Disc Of Pure Evil?

Now that Ashton Kutcher is a swingin' bachelor once again, Onion News Network's Starfix reports that he has not been shy in bringing around a mysterious metallic disc that some speculate is the physical manifestation of evil itself.

Kutcher and wife of 12 years Demi Moore announced a split last month after reports of Kutcher's infidelity. Kutcher had not yet stepped out with a new companion, but according to the ONN report, the disc made of pure evil has been by his side wherever he goes.

How serious are things getting with the disc, which may or may not possess supernatural properties that enslave all who come near it? Angelique Clark and Bryan Spees report on the new relationship, which may or may not spell the end of humanity as we know it.