12/28/2011 04:55 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Newt Gingrich Promises To Create 'Millions Of Jobs Right Now'

In the latest campaign ad from Newt Gingrich, God of Carnage, the former House Speaker says that "we can create millions of jobs right now." Is this to be achieved by Gingrich hiring one million people to manufacture and market "Ellis The Elephant" merchandise? Because I'm just just trying to plan my next couple of days around Gingrich solving the crippling unemployment crisis in the next few hours or so:

Okay, so, not exactly. Gingrich will create a million jobs by "repealing laws that raise taxes and strangle businesses" (despite the fact that such be-strangled businesses don't seem to exist), "cutting taxes" (which is another way of saying the first thing he said), and "unleashing the power of our energy industry." (I'm guessing that means "cutting taxes" and "repealing laws," as well.)

Also, there's a blink-and-you-might-miss-it graphic in the ad noting that Gingrich won the endorsement of "the architect of Reagan's economic plan," a reference to Arthur Laffer, who bestowed his blessing earlier this week. And if you're reading between the lines, here, maybe Gingrich's plan for "job creation" is the one that Laffer touted earlier this year in the pages of the Wall Street Journal, in which he suggested that "enterprise zones" be created in inner-cities, establishing a bunch of mini-Saipans within the United States where all of the labor practices we've come to know and enjoy would be suspended: no payroll taxes (and big giveaways to corporations whether they headquartered in the "zone" or not), no minimum wage, no union organization, and no "codes, regulations, restrictions and requirements" that "unjustifiably impede economic growth" (or, in other words, no codes, regulations, restrictions or requirements that keep laborers alive). Profits earned by those who don't have to live in these laissez-faire hellscapes would be taxed at a discount, of course.

This was the secret scheme that Herman Cain came up with when he had to make his 9-9-9 Plan less onerous on the poor after the whole "poor people would buy used products" to avoid the new 9 percent sales tax was deemed to be too hilarious by reporters. I also suspect that it's a thing you have to be "for" in order to get Laffer's endorsement. So, if you personally feel that the unemployment crisis in America has been caused by a dearth of Triangle Shirtwaist Factory calamities, Gingrich is your man.

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