01/11/2012 03:22 pm ET

Onion News Network: Beyonce Forced To Give Up Baby Blue Ivy To The Witch Who Granted Her Fame (VIDEO)

In a report from Onion News Network, Beyonce has been forced to give up newborn daughter Blue Ivy Carter to the witch who granted her her beautiful singing voice.

Apparently at the beginning of her career the songstress promised her firstborn child in return for her talent, beauty and dancing abilities, and now the witch is making good on their agreement by confiscating the already-famous infant.

We're pretty sure there isn't a celebrity power couple big enough to give us a replacement buzz-baby, so between the grief and making a new heir to the Throne, Jay and Bey have their work cut out for them these next few months.

You can catch "Onion News Network" on Tuesdays at 10:00 p.m. EST on IFC for more stories like this.