02/14/2012 08:10 am ET Updated Feb 14, 2012

New York Fashion Week 2012: Todd Must Be Sweating Constantly As If He Has A Chance

This one time when I worked on newspaper in high school, we got a submission from one of those types of girls who ordered the largest size of Starbucks brownie frappuccino twice a day. Do you know which type of girl I mean? The piece was called "What To Get Your Man For Christmas," and it included items like "Gladiator," and "sunglasses, so when he looks at other girls, you can't tell." In a way, it was our favorite submission all year, because we could really practice editing on it. In another way, it was terrible.

But the point is, Todd is exactly the type of guy that poor stupid girl was trying to buy a present for. To Todd, boots that hit at the knee on a girl (who's not his girlfriend, that's important) are like a shiny item to a monkey. He will literally stop talking mid-conversation to look, and his eyes will glaze over and his jaw will slacken a little and he doesn't seem to have any idea what he's doing right then.

Which is why it's almost torture to put Todd in the same city as Fashion Week. New York Fashion Week is going on right now, and there's no way the thought of models (he could never get) walking around even miles away from him hasn't flattened out sections of Todd's brain. The fact is, he has no chance. Sure, you might think that says something about desirabilty of people who've previously dated him, but I'm here to tell you that's a wrong thought. Todd has managed to land attractive, and obviously charitable women in the past. But models are notoriously underfed, underpaid, and overworked. They don't have the time or energy to talk to cavemen like Todd, and guess what, Todd? Neither do charitable girls who've finally come to their senses!

A NOTE FROM HUFFPOST VALENTINE'S DAY EDITORS LINDSAY AND TODD, WHO BROKE UP THIS MORNING: We're not letting today's personal issues affect the quality content we bring you every Valentine's Day! Still, if you want to know exactly how Todd Lindsay messed up, we are keeping a liveblog.