04/05/2012 03:58 pm ET Updated Jun 05, 2012

No Fluff In Their Stuff: Museum Guards Review The Whitney Biennial

No curator, art critic, museum member, or monocle owner spends more of their eyeballs on art than a museum guard. They stare at it for so long I imagine the pieces turn into a sort of visual white noise for some of them. Still, while they nag about not taking photos or whisper-shout at idiots who stand within Eskimo-kissing distance of the art, the work they are protecting must implant itself into their brains, right?

I set out to get the opinions of these master observers on the pieces they guard day in and day out. Unfortunately, getting them to open up turned out to be more difficult than I had originally thought. I went to the Whitney Biennial's press preview thinking I could waltz up to anyone with a badge, ask them whatever I wanted, and be met with a happy reply. Instead, my questions were answered with questions like, "Who are you?" and, "Why are you asking me this?" Later, I emailed the museum's senior publicist and was told that "it is Whitney policy to have only curators comment on the art..." Bourgeois elitism! Someone take the cork out of these untapped geysers of art criticism and let them gush!

Read more on VICE