"A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken.' The doctor says, 'Why don't you turn him in?' The guy says, 'We would. But we need the eggs.'"
"I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold it to me."
"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
"When I was a kid, we played softball. I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."
"Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime."
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
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