05/17/2012 11:30 am ET

Insane Things I've Said To Women

I don’t have a terrific grasp of how most people interact, especially when ladypeople are involved. I just say things that I think are true and/ or nice, and I hope other folks can see past my unorthodox set of references and mismatched slang enough that they don’t pepper spray me. Here are some of the most ridiculous things I have sincerely said to women both platonically and romantically in an attempt at being friendly.

“You have Catherine Keener eyes!”

I guess evidence has shown that I’m weirdly into older women who are beautiful but often exhausted looking. (I have a well-documented and longstanding crush on Julianne Moore. Also, recently I have found myself attracted to skinny but über-pregnant women as well as nannies. This all seems to point to my wanting a kid, which I don’t. Everything is very confusing. Let’s forget I said anything.)

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