"Spotify the News" is a new HuffPost feature designed to translate the week's big headlines into a weekend-worthy playlist featuring classic hits, unfairly overlooked obscurities and a good deal of what's in between.
Well, "Today Is The Day" we've been waiting for -- the big Facebook I.P.O.! Will Mark Zuckerberg remember to say "Thank You Friends" when he tallies up his zillion-dollar haul, or is the social network saddled with an "Ungrateful Little Father"? Certainly, the company's earliest investors have to be crowing, "We Are the Champions" -- it's "A Beautiful Day" for Bono of U2, who stands to make $1.2 billion from his chunk of Facebook, and even Eduardo Saverin must be singin' in "Singapore." (UPDATE: Looks like we spoke too soon. With shares closing no higher than they opened, the smart money may be saying, "Don't Believe the Hype.")
The news wasn't nearly as good for JP Morgan Chase C.E.O. Jamie Dimon, who went from Wall Street's "Last Man Standing" to America's favorite "Whipping Boy" after his firm lost $3 billion in one fell swoop. "Regulate"!, fed-up Democrats demanded, but Mitt Romney took a more forgiving view, saying that kind of "Reversal of Fortune" is just "the way America works." Translation: Jamie, "You Fucked Yourself," and now you're on your own.
"Maybe Partying Will Help." That seemed to be the philosophy at the Upfront presentations in "New York City," where the networks put on a major "TV Party" for advertisers. And the festive spirit stretched across the Atlantic, where Lana Del Ray and Bill Murray were among the "Jeunes Femmes et Vieux Messieurs" who helped kick off the 65th Cannes Film Festival. Speaking of femmes, advocates are still wondering why, when it comes to the festival's competiton slate, "It's a Man's, Man's, Man's World." Some blame the festival's culture of information lockdown. "We Have No Secrets," critics say -- why should you?
Moving on to "Politics As Usual," The New York Times exposed the "Master Plan" for an ambitious "Smear Campaign" aimed at forcing President Obama to admit that, yes, when it comes to the inflammatory preacher Rev. Jeremiah Wright, "He Was a Friend of Mine." The money quote came when the authors of the report accused Obama of framing himself as a "metrosexual, black 'Abe Lincoln,'" a phrase that launched a thousand Internet tribute illustrations.
In the "Outer Realms" of the race, meanwhile, Dr. Ron Paul announced his decision to "Give Up the Ghost." His libertarian supporters refused to accept defeat, claiming that their hero would "Fight to Finish," appearances notwithstanding. Others expressed relief at not having to say, "Come On In My Kitchen" to door-to-door Paulites for another four years, at least.
The week also saw the tragic loss of an "Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground." So in memory of Donna Summer, Spotify the News urges you to "Dim All the Lights" and dedicate one "Last Dance" to the Queen of Disco.
To suggest newsworthy songs for next week's edition, tweet your tips to @HuffPostEnt with #SpotifyTheNews.