If you ever wondered what would it would look like if the Juggalos went political, you'll be happy to know that Herman Cain's upcoming Cain TV appears to be the incredible avant-garde art school project we've been waiting for.
Everyone's favorite pizza man-turned-onetime GOP presidential frontrunner launched a preview of his upcoming Internet network, and it looks nothing short of breathtaking. Watch the full video at the bottom of this post.
Right off the bat, we learn that the tagline is "Cain TV: Real American Everything!" (exclamation point included), which sounds to us like a USA-themed restaurant in Tokyo.
We'll love watching Lou From Hollywood, who, according to Lou, has a mouth that don't write no checks his ass can't cash. He will host "Street Smarts," which is something this country is sorely lacking!
One thing we love about Cain TV is that it seems to feature lots of cartoons, including this one where cartoon Ronald Reagan totally schools cartoon Barack Obama in the Oval Office and tells him to stop being such a damn socialist.
And also this one where a dinosaur literally gives birth to America. Yes, yes, yes.
One segment that seems extremely promising is the one where some smart-ass does his own version of Jay Leno's "Jaywalking," except he only asks unsuspecting bystanders if they know what Saddam Hussein is up to -- only to totally prank them when he reveals that Saddam Hussein is DEAD!
"He's actually dead, actually," Mr. Clipboard says to this total dummy while scribbling down something (probably TOTAL PRANK SUCCESS). "They hung him," he says like a Gotcha Journalist. Then he shrugs and grins like a mega-cool prankmaster.
And finally, we're promised that the network will have "Lots Of Cain"!
Herman reminds us that "they think we are stupid." While we're not sure who the "they" in question is, Herman has a more uplifting message:
"As Benjamin Franklin once said, 'Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.' Let's give a lamb a gun! I'm Herman Cain. We are not stupid."
(For what it's worth, Benjamin Franklin didn't actually say that. Which makes Herman Cain's misattribution the only thing Donna Summer and Benjamin Franklin have in common.)
Guys, we may have missed our chance on making this guy president, but now Herman Cain is making it easy to keep him in our lives forever and ever as long as he's willing to keep making this amazing network. Let's give a lamb a gun! We are not stupid.