08/03/2012 06:52 pm ET

'Total Recall' Reviews, Mariah Carey's 'Triumphant' Return, Harper Gruzins & More: The Week In Ouch

If you want to watch something other than Ryan Lochte in a speedo this weekend, you have a limited number of options.

You could check out Len Wiseman's "Total Recall," a reboot of the 1990 sci-fi flick with Arnold Schwarzenegger. However, critics have pretty much panned the film, which stars Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel. The 2012 remake only has a 31 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. "Since the new 'Recall' is totally witless, don't expect laughs," wrote Rolling Stone's Peter Travers. "Originality and coherence are also notably MIA."

If you're not into sci-fi, there's always the indie comedy-drama "Celeste and Jesse Forever," starring Rashida Jones and Andy Samberg. While most critics seem to be under the film's spell, New York magazine wasn't as enthusiastic. "Samberg’s Jesse is asexual, a wet noodle -- he really could be her gal pal -- and so undemonstrative he makes Paul Dano in "Ruby Sparks" look like Scaramouche, Michael Cera in any role like Zorro," wrote David Edelstein.

Of course, if you're simply too enchanted by the 2012 London Olympics coverage, then you can at least listen to Mariah Carey's inspirational new single "Triumphant." Even though Slant called it the "worst single" of her career, we're pretty sure Michael Phelps loves it.

What do you make of these harsh critiques? Let us know in this week's critical roundup below.

The Week In Ouch