08/17/2012 10:09 am ET

How To Be A Terrible Boyfriend

Give them hope. Bad relationships run on hope, on the possibility that it can change, that you can change. The second you sense that you’re losing them and they’re giving up on the relationship, bring them back in with a sweet gesture. They can live off that gesture for as long as six months. They can live off the hope that it’ll all get better for a long time.

Be emotionally unavailable AND possessive. My, what a lovely contradictory combo we have here! Give off confusing vibes that seem to say, “I don’t really want you but I also don’t want anyone else to have you.” That’s always a fun vibe to give off! Your significant other will confuse your possessiveness and jealous nature for actual love which works in your favor. The truth is that you’re too much of an insecure asshole to love another person but, oops, don’t tell your boo that! This relationships runs on delusions!

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