08/24/2012 10:26 am ET

Gizmodo's Jesus Diaz Rages Against Coffee Shop Hipsters

Gizmodo website

In a win for beleaguered coffee shop owners everywhere, Gizmodo editor Jesus Diaz takes on their cause in a short, somewhat insane, screed on the tech blog.

Diaz's beef: Well, he couldn't find somewhere to sit down. This makes him angry.

Why? Let's have him explain, shall we:

Because the place—which can fit about 40 people—was full of these dickheads and their computers and Moleskines.

Dickheads with cups of coffee so dry they were probably ordered three hours ago. Dickheads reading the tea leaves in their empty glasses. Dickheads with just some free water.

Dickheads with absolutely no sign of having consumed anything except some three-week old canned tomato soup stains on their emo punk pop hip hop band t-shirts, the ones that proved they were at that concert nobody else gave a shit about.

One of them even had the pierced balls to get a banana out of this bag and proceeded to eat it as he scribed the novel he's never going to publish, looking at his Samsung Galaxy III—iPhones are so passé—at the same time.

Surely, Diaz speaks for many a coffee shop owner, glad to have a full cafe but less thrilled with crowds of nonpaying customers hogging Wi-Fi and eating fruit toted from home instead of buying the overpriced offerings at the counter.

When "hipsters" and coffee shops collide, all sorts of things can happen. Just last week, a San Francisco coffee shop earned a bit of Internet fame for banning conversations about 'Annoying Hipster Topics.'"

And, he's hardly the first to point out that people loiter in coffee shops and hog the tables. It's the No. 1 complaint on this blog post from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer on 10 annoying things people do at coffee shops.

P.S.: Earlier this year, Diaz was banned from commenting on Gizmodo after he called someone a "corporate cocksucker," apparently a "violation of commenting policy."

We're glad the ban doesn't extend to anti-hipster rants.



11 Things American Workers Hate About Their Jobs