09/05/2012 08:04 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Online Dating: A Woman's Guide For Men Seeking Love Online

SPECIAL FROM BetterAfter50

by Kay Newton

I am a single woman, in my early 60s, divorced for over a decade. I have met dozens of interesting smart, caring, kind, men online who have wanted monogamous relationships. I read A. Chernofsky’s, “Six Tips on What NOT to write on,” for women, and it gave me a chuckle and rang remarkably true. But I have some tips of my own -- for you men out there. When you get that first date, here are ten deal breakers, at least for me:

1) Do not say: “I’m in a very Dark Place Sexually” or “I can never have Vanilla sex again.” I may have READ 50 Shades of Gray, but it doesn’t mean I want to live it, and you are no Christian Gray! If I am imagining whips and urine, there will be no second date.

2) Keep it upbeat. Do not go into intimate details about the months of suffering before your wife passed away. Do not go on about how you hate your father, how your kid is a drug addict or how your bipolar brother ruined your life. I am excited about the potential of this next phase of my life, and I don’t want to hear that the best is behind you. These details can wait until the third date (assuming there are no other deal breakers).

3) Do not ask over dinner, “should I take my Viagra now?”

4) Don’t be a Wower. If you like the way I look, think poetic, not monosyllabic. Do not repeat, “Wow…” with a big exhale. I may think you are mentally challenged no matter how many degrees from Harvard you have.

5) Do not look at me adoringly and express your desire to “go under the table” at dinner -- unless you need to retrieve your napkin.

6) I don’t want to hear ad nauseum about your knowledge of fine wine, luxury cars, or degree from Yale. It’s boring and it makes me think you are insecure.

7) Do not stick your tongue down my throat on the first kiss. If a kiss seems appropriate on the first date, it needs to be soft and gentle. Keep the tongue action for later.

8) Don’t say your dream is to get a Winnebego and go across the country with me.

9) If you have Groupons, Living Social or other coupons to some obscure restaurant or bar, save them for later in the relationship, or use them with your buddies. Don’t whip that coupon out on the first date.

10) If you have a bush growing out of your ear or nose, use the weed whacker before you take me to the theater. I may want to whisper in your ear during the show.

Kay Newton is currently off line. One special guy has survived not only the first date, but the first month of dating, and Kay is still smiling.

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