10/04/2012 10:02 am ET

Why the Hell Are We Still Holding First Lady Bake-Offs? Stop It. Stop It Right Now.

Yesterday, Family Circle announced that First Lady and Princeton-educated attorney Michelle Obama's white and dark chip cookie recipe roundly defeated challenger and stay-at-home mom Ann Romney's M&M's cookie recipe. And while it's tempting to joke about the metrics of stay-at-home mom success versus lawyer success, let's get down to the crux of the matter here: why the fuck are we still making the candidates' wives bake cookies?

Believe it or not, the First Lady bake-off started in 1992, not 1952, after a terribly uppity Hillary Clinton remarked that after her husband was elected Governor of Arkansas, she chose to pursue her career rather than "stay home and bake cookies." America did a collective spit take at her unbridled, raw, unfeminine ambition. Who did this be-pageboyed Delilah think she was, eschewing cookie baking? If every mom in America followed Hillary Clinton's dangerous example, cookies might nearly go extinct, like the California Condor. If future Americans wanted to show their children what a cookie looked like, they'd have to drive to a zoo. No more cookies in the wild!

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