12/10/2012 02:41 pm ET

Louis C.K. Reluctantly Answers Vanity Fair's Proust Questionnaire

Louis C.K. doesn't want to talk about his biggest fears, reveal the greatest love of his life or discuss what he'd come back as if reincarnation exists. That's why it's ultimately hilarious that he filled out Vanity Fair's Proust Questionnaire for the January 2013 comedy issue edited by Judd Apatow.

C.K.'s responses to the psyche-probing quiz are a mixed bag, ranging from blind refusals to answer to legitimate revelations and a sublimely sarcastic grey area in between. For example, he offered a straight response to the question, "Who are your favorite writers?" (that would be F. Scott Fitzgerald, Nicolai Gogol, Richard Wright and John Steinbeck) and reveals that President Obama is sincerely one of his real-life heroes. But he also gave up some absurd, albeit genuinely entertaining tidbits, like these three gems below:

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
"I have an absolutely beautiful penis. It’s stunning in every way. God I hate my perfect penis"

When and where were you happiest?
"I got Luis Tiant’s autograph at a paint store when I was nine years old. Some local paint store hired him to sit at a table for a day and autograph these leaflets advertising their special prices on paints. He looked miserable. I remember thinking, This is the best moment of my entire life and the worst moment of his. Luis Tiant was a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, by the way."

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
"There’s this one girl in Oklahoma City. We had sex on New Year’s Eve. She was 19. I was about 23. She was way out of my league. Still can’t believe that one. I hope she’s O.K. now."

Click over to Vanity Fair for the full questionnaire (and a bonus animated .GIF of Louie).



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