12/20/2012 04:40 pm ET Updated Dec 20, 2012

Deficit Hacks Urge People To Call Members Of Congress And Yell Vague Fiscal Cliff Nonsense At Their Interns

According to an email I just received, a major player in the deficit-hack industry would like Americans of all ages to contact their Congressional representatives and shout some maddeningly vague nonsense at whatever person answers the phone, because that will help us "avert" the "fiscal cliff," which is a metaphor and not an actual thing.

The email comes from the good folks at Fix The Debt, who are part of the whole Pete Peterson-funded gut-the-entitlement-programs complex that brought you, among other things, Alan Simpson doing the Gangnam Style dance, because let's remember, fixing the debt is a serious matter that demands all of our strategic reserve of gravitas. (In related news, "Alan Simpson doing the Gangnam Style Dance" is what Winston Smith's tormentors at the Ministry Of Love would have resorted to if the rats hadn't done the trick in Room 101.)

Fix The Debt's motto is "inaction is not an option," which is fully in keeping with this latest "call up your representative and shout some mad crap at them that you read off the Internet" initiative, because it is technically "action" in the same way that the corpse of a frog might jump if you direct a strong enough electrical current into its tissues.

Their email reads:

Our founders Erskine Bowles and Al Simpson asked us to write our leaders in Congress to let them know that we have their backs to do the right thing and make the hard decisions when it comes to averting the “fiscal cliff” and stabilizing our national debt.

Together, we sent more than 8,000 letters in a matter of hours.

Now it’s time to pick up the phone and call.

We’re coming down to the wire in the fiscal cliff negotiations, and every single voice counts.

Okay, so presuming that Fix The Debt is actually serious about fixing the debt, I would expect them to instruct me on what the targets of a sensible, "fiscal-cliff averting" deal are, so that I can tell my Congressperson something like, "You need to let the Bush-era tax cuts expire" or "Don't settle for less than $2.6 trillion in revenue" -- which were both major components of the "Simpson-Bowles Plan" that was created by the "founders" of Fix The Debt. If this is not serious, then I expect that the only thing I'll be instructed to do is to shout some mad crap at my Representative.

Let's find out what my talking points are:

Hi, my name is ____________ and I am calling from [YOUR city/town], State.

I’m calling to urge the Represntative to pass an agreement to tackle our nation's debt crisis that is supported by members of both parties that both raises revenue and cuts government spending in order to pave the way for a strong economic future.

This matters to me because ______________.


--I am a parent and don’t want to kick the can down the road for my kids’ generation to deal with crippling national debt or a double dip recession.

--I am a small business owner and my success and the jobs of my employees depend on a strong economy.

--I am a veteran, and I know that our nation’s fiscal strength is a matter of national security.

Can I count on the Representative to support a deal to avert the fiscal cliff?

Thank you for your time. Congress must work together to find common ground to avert the fiscal cliff and pave the way for a strong economic future.

Yes, I feel I might have spoiled the surprise! Of course there is nothing serious here. This is just a call to lend your voice in the service of re-enunciating some dull bromides. Instead of using "inaction is not an option" as their motto, Fix The Debt ought to use "activity masquerading as achievement." (Though adopting that catchphrase may just give away the fact that they are part of a huge political racket.)

So what are all of Fix The Debt's idiot donors getting for their money? They are getting a totally general, nonspecific round of calling-and-yelling-at-my-congressman's-intern. Merry Christmas!

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