01/10/2013 11:09 am ET Updated Mar 12, 2013

10 Sex Tips We Learned From Softcore Porn

Those of us who had the grave misfortune to grow up in an era before high-speed internet (circa the 1950s) were forced to acquire our teenage "naked people seeing" through the likes of Cinemax movies, HBO late-night series, and the occasional "Red Shoe Diaries" episode during Showtime free previews. As a result, many of us learned about sex entirely through Softcore Porn, BUT, this also means that we picked up a number of handy Softcore sex tricks that those of you who learned about intercourse through Regular Porn (or by actually, you know, having sex) never learned.

On behalf of all Softcore Porn connoisseurs, I impart the entirety of my sexual knowledge unto you fellas and ladies with the following list: