01/16/2013 04:16 pm ET

8 Excuses For Cheating That Totally Suck

1. “It just happened. We didn’t plan it.”

Every excuse for cheating sucks, but this is my “favorite.” For people in monogamous relationships, this is the cheater’s equivalent of “Oops!” or the Steve Urkel catchphrase “Did I do that?” Yes, you did do that, and it doesn’t matter if it was planned, a space shuttle launch or the Normandy Invasion. Lots of things that aren’t planned still happen — like Kimye — and that doesn’t make them morally inculpable for being spontaneous. (Besides, it’s not like you slip on a banana peel and into someone’s vagina.) Yesterday, I ate three microwave dinners and a reheated hamburger out of my fridge, and I didn’t plan that. No one ever expects binge eating. But I still ate them and the food is still gone — just like every relationship that ends with this statement. The best you can do is recognize that unplanned actions still have consequences and own up to your mistakes. Next time, you’ll shoot that spontaneous infidelity in the head before it ever happens. Mazel tov.

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