02/06/2013 06:17 pm ET Updated Feb 06, 2013

Best Chicago Visitors' Guide Ever? Go Go Go Basically Nailed It

When it comes to Chicago visitors' guides, it is typically blindingly apparent to locals (a) how much time its author actually spent in the city and (b) whether that time included any time spent more than a 20-foot radius away from the Mag Mile Cheesecake Factory.

And to describe some recent high-profile attempts as "atrocious" would be putting it mildly. (How's it going, Stephanie Rosenbloom?)

But in his "How to: Visit Chicago Like a Chicagoan" essay, published Monday on, Ed Hirsch just might have broken the cycle of awful.

Hirsch, a self-described "huge nerd, rap enthusiast, and homesick Chicagoan currently stationed in Dallas" describes the Second City -- which apparently is at risk of an imminent demotion -- in the sort of expletive-laden terms that those who call the city home can truly appreciate. Trust.

Below are seven of our favorite pieces of advice from Hirsch's nearly flawless* guide to your next Chicago visit.

Best Advice For Chicago Visitors? Ever?

*In our opinion, Portillo's and Demera are not the tops when it comes to meats and Ethiopian eats.