Casual sex after divorce means different things to different people. As a general rule of thumb, men usually have an easier time keeping emotions out of the equation. Some women will confuse the intimacy with love, leaving them open to be hurt. For this reason, it is imperative that women heal and let go of the fairytale before entering into a casual relationship for sex.
After her divorce, Lana was terrified of going out for drinks with the girls. After being in a sexless marriage for years, her strong craving for sex and intimacy were driving her crazy. She did not trust herself and pictured herself jumping into the sack with the first man she met. She felt a battle going on inside of her mind: One side saying that it is perfectly normal for her to have these desires and to act upon them, while the other side seemed to shout that she is supposed to deny her desires and remain a good girl and a good role model to her children.
Jen took another route after her divorce. She went a little wild and began immersing herself by going to bars, allowing herself to be picked up by attractive men and having one-night stands. She was looking for validation in herself and for a way to fill the deep yearning she had for all that had been lacking in her marriage.
Lana and Jen took off in two completely different directions. Neither one took the time to stop, breathe and look at what they were seeking and why they wanted it. Having casual sex after divorce is not for everyone. However, for many, it provides for their physical need without feelings of guilt and helps them to heal and grow. Having the real thing brings more pleasure than the alternative battery-operated friend.
Many women find it difficult to be in a casual sex relationship because of the powerful hormone oxytocin, which is released during orgasm. It is believed that oxytocin may cause a woman to create a strong emotional tie to sexual partners. Only you can decide what feels right and acceptable to you.
Here is a list of useful dos and don'ts if you decide that casual sex after divorce is right for you.
1. Be honest. Explore your innermost reasons for wanting to engage in casual sex as well as what that means to you. You may prefer just a quick roll in the hay with no real conversation, or you may want a partner that spends time communicating with you about other mutual interests. Cuddling afterwards is optional.
2. Be straightforward. Show respect to your partner. You need to be confident enough to tell your partner exactly what you do and do not want in the relationship. Let it be known that either of you can terminate the relationship without explanation or hard feelings.
3. Be realistic. This relationship is temporary and it will end. Know that you have opted for this arrangement for pleasure. If feelings get in the way, you may need to look at yourself. This relationship will not likely grow into a long-term relationship.
4. Be safe. Even if you are just looking for casual sex, be aware that there are some real whack jobs out there. Do your homework if you met him online. Let a trusted friend know where you are and with whom. If the guy treats you badly or if you have any reservations at all, end the relationship immediately.
5. Be protected. Feel free to explore your wild sexual side, while protecting your health and well-being. Be prepared with condoms and use them, even if you have other means of birth control.
6. Don't get emotionally attached. Consistently remind yourself that this relationship is all about sex. It is not about love and it will never be. The happiness you feel is purely about physical pleasure, not about a personal connection.
7. Don't expect to be wined and dined. It is all about sex, it is not dating. It is not about getting to know one another on a deep emotional level. Do not call him and ask him for coffee or for long walks in the park.
8. Don't take him home. This is just not safe unless you have a very good idea of who the man is. You do not want to take the chance that the man will become a stalker after you have ended the relationship. You also do not want to take the chance of him meeting your children if they live with you.
9. Don't make it personal. When the relationship is over, know that it has fulfilled its purpose. There is no need to be sad or grieve. You have learned the lessons that it brought you while providing immense personal pleasure.
10. Don't have casual sex with your ex. Many women are tempted to jump into bed with their ex because they feel it is safe. This is the worst thing you can do. You have way too much personal attachment with your ex for it ever to be casual.
If you are ready and looking for a serious relationship, check out these 5 Tips for Dating After Divorce.
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