This is one of the funniest, most eloquent court documents we've ever seen.
In allowing the city of San Antonio, Texas, to enforce an order that strippers wear bikini tops instead of nipple-covering "pasties," U.S. District Judge Fred Biery noted that the issue had once again "fallen into the court's lap."
Biery's opinion, titled "The Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Bikini Top Vs. The (More) Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Pastie," said his job was to answer "the age old question, now with constitutional implications: 'Does size matter?'"
Although Biery ruled that San Antonio's strip clubs did not prove their need for an injunction to block a 2012 law requiring exotic dancers to cover their breasts "from the top of the areola" down, he also cast doubt on the city's claim that such regulations would cut down on violent crime, drug dealing and prostitution:
While the court finds these businesses to be nefarious magnets of mischief, the court doubts several square inches of fabric will stanch the flow of violence and other secondary effects emanating from these businesses. Indeed, this case exposes the underbelly of America's Romanesque passion for entertainment, sex and money, sought to be covered with constitutional prophylaxis.
Biery then somewhat profoundly concluded that "alcohol, drugs, testosterone, guns and knives are more likely the causative agents than the female breast, proving once again that humans are a peculiar lot."
A 2005 law attempted to subject the city's strip clubs to a slew of regulations by designating such businesses as "human display establishments"; but the clubs cleverly avoided that designation by having their dancers wear nipple coverings, the court order explains. In 2012, the law was amended to prevent strippers from exploiting the loophole.
Biery's ruling may not be the end of the matter, as the city's strip clubs could appeal. Nevertheless, he encouraged the businesses to consider "the peaks and valleys of litigation, perhaps to reach a happy ending."
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