05/07/2013 11:31 am ET

How To Talk About Malia Obama's Birth Control

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First, one must never, ever talk about Malia Obama’s birth control. It’s rude to talk about a stranger’s birth control, and it’s vile to speculate about a minor’s. But say you are Andrea Tantaros, pictured, rotating co-host of Fox News’ The Five, and in the fifteen hours you fill each week on your new Talk Radio Network program, you want to make the irrelevant, prurient point that President Obama’s daughter is approaching the FDA's new minimum age requirement for buying Plan B over the counter. How does one justify such an observation?

Talking about the president’s children is traditionally frowned upon, so first you must establish that you’re allowed to talk about the First Daughter’s sexual health because the president acknowledged its existence first, in a campaign speech.

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