06/12/2013 03:07 pm ET

12 Quotes That Prove Kanye West And Jamie Dimon Are Basically The Same Person


While everybody talks about how Kanye West compared himself to Apple founder Steve Jobs, we found the more apt comparison: JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon.

Stay with me! The parallels with Dimon came into focus in his recent amazing interview with the New York Times. After reading, I came away thinking that at long last, I have found the one person who can possibly replace Dimon running JPMorgan Chase.*

One quote, in particular, was reminiscent of Dimon (emphasis added):

I think what Kanye West is going to mean is something similar to what Steve Jobs means. I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period.

This echoed a quote by Dimon on Wednesday, firing back at claims by pesky congressional investigators that his bank had hidden, lied and otherwise tried to bullshit its way around its London Whale trading goof (emphasis added):

There was no hiding, there was no lying, there was no bullshitting. Period.

OK, sure, everybody uses the word "period" to emphasize that they are SERIOUS about what they are SAYING, PERIOD. But the parallels don't end there. Compare these two rambling, bragging quotes from them and tell me you can't see them swapping roles:


I’ve been connected to the most culturally important albums of the past four years, the most influential artists of the past ten years. You have like, Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, Henry Ford, Howard Hughes, Nicolas Ghesquière, Anna Wintour, David Stern. I think that’s a responsibility that I have, to push possibilities, to show people: “This is the level that things could be at.” So when you get something that has the name Kanye West on it, it’s supposed to be pushing the furthest possibilities.

Dimon, talking to New York Magazine last August:

We bank Caterpillar in like 40 countries. We can do a $20 billion bridge loan overnight for a company that’s about to do a major acquisition. Size lets us build a $500 million data center that speeds up transactions and invest billions of dollars in products like ATMs and apps that allow your iPhone to deposit checks. We move $2 trillion a day, and you can see it by account, by company. These aren’t, like, little things. And they accrue to the customer. That’s what capitalism is.

West, on free speech:

I want to tell people, “I can create more for this world, and I’ve hit the glass ceiling.” If I don’t scream, if I don’t say something, then no one’s going to say anything, you know? So I come to them and say, “Dude, talk to me! Respect me!”

Dimon, again to New York magazine:

I’m an outspoken defender of the truth. Everyone is afraid of retaliation and retribution. Guess what. It’s a free. Fucking. Country.

West, (from earlier days) on President Bush's response to Hurricane Katrina:

George Bush doesn't care about black people.

Dimon, on President Obama's response to the financial crisis:

I don’t think the president of the US should paint everyone with the same brush.

And not even Kanye West would brag about his riches the way Jamie Dimon does. Here's West, back in the Times interview:

I would rather sit in a factory than sit in a Maybach.

And here's Dimon, addressing a well-paid bank analyst:

That's why I'm richer than you.

Dimon again, addressing poorly paid slobs in the news media:

You don’t even make any money! We pay 35 percent. We make a lot of money.

Plus, West is practically begging for the job:

I will be the leader of a company that ends up being worth billions of dollars, because I got the answers. I understand culture. I am the nucleus.

Come on, JPMorgan. You have already made Dimon your cult leader, your nucleus, without any possible successor in sight. Now is the time to let Kanye West be your next nucleus.

* -- This is of course satire, or something like it. Kanye West is way too smart to do anything dumb like run a bank.



Kim Kardashian and Kanye West