06/16/2013 10:43 am ET Updated Aug 16, 2013

I Read The Daily Mail Every Single Day Because I'm A Monster

I need to make an announcement regarding my credibility as a potential future professional woman and as a human being capable of empathy. I read the Daily Mail. Every single day.

That feels good to say. I once admitted that I read the Daily Mail (or "DM" as us regular readers call it) to a lawyer friend of mine, and she scoffed so hard I thought she broke her jaw. "Why don't you just read The Independent?" she scoffy scoff scoffed. Why don't I read The Independent?! Who am I, some fancy prince? A wise little lord parading around in my tailcoat and cravat, filling my elegant mind with news of the day? No. No, ma'am. I AM A MONSTER.

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