06/23/2013 11:27 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

An Open Letter To People Who Yell Homophobic Things At Me On The Street


Dear Asshats,

First of all, thank you for pointing out my obvious queerness. I’m not surprised you’re able to notice my homo-hotness. I spend a fair amount of time and money on looking like a dapper gentleman. I recognize that this may cause you to make exclamations, but up until recently they used to be more geared towards, “Stud!” or “Cute couple!” if I was with another queer holding hands. Now I’ve become a magnet for your hateful language. Maybe I’m gayer looking than before, or I’m just more offensively gay. Maybe you’re jealous of all the sexual advances you think I surely must receive by looking so good. Either way, there are a few points I would like to clarify with you.

Why is this worthy of vocalization? I don’t see you and yell, “Look, an asshole!” or “Tacky tracksuit!” That is because I, friend, have tact. And since your tone reveals that you are judging homosexuality negatively out loud to a perfect stranger, you must be lacking this. (Though I do often take it as a compliment, just so you know, tracksuit lady!) I know that the burning candle of my queerness is no longer hidden under a rock of lady (see: femme invisibility) but still. Read some Dear Abby and learn some manners.

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