You've just graduated college and are finally in the real world! You've been waiting for this moment since the first time you watched "The Hills." But now that it's been a month and not one unpaid internship or dog-walking service has called you back, you can't help but feel like this:
Don't worry! Here are fifteen ways to deal with your new found self-loathing in whatever metropolitan area (or parent's basement) you've decided to call home.
1. Stop Worrying About Losing Touch With Your Best Friends!
Because, let’s be real. You all ended up moving to Brooklyn and you’re still living with your freshman year roommate. Except instead of in a cute rustic house a few minutes away from your campus, you’re in a rat-infested shoebox and afraid of the pitbull next door.
2. Finally Rid yourself of That Freshman Fifteen! (and college six million)
Unemployment is so the new Atkins diet. And since you’re broke, you’re probably living off of eggs. You've probably unintentionally been on the Special K challenge for months now. And you probably measure your portions in solo cups because that's all you're familiar with anyway.
3. Become A Professional Adult
LinkedIn is the new Facebook. Is it weird to add your psychiatrist on LinkedIn? Can I endorse my ex-boyfriend for skills like taking the break up lightly?
4. Actually Get A Job
In order to be a professional adult you should probably have one. You’re also running really low on cash and need a way to pay for all the Seamless and Über Cabs you irrationally use everyday. Unfortunately, LinkedIn isn’t quite cutting it. No one is going to endorse you for finishing entire plates of food.
5. Discover Unique Ways To Eat
Like chopsticks for scrambled eggs (remember, all you’re eating is eggs) since no one will do the dishes because you’re all too hungover all the time.
Every day of the week. Slowly but surely you actually do relate to your assigned character from "Sex and the City." And then "GIRLS." And then "Shahs of Sunset."
Who installed the giant air conditioning unit into their very own window?! YOU DID. That took a lot of physical labor. You deserve that six pack of beer and three shots of tequila from the bottle you don’t remember buying.
Now that you’ve moved into your cool new creepy apartment with your roommates who were also your roommates in college, you get to buy all new things in a cool store where the map looks like Candyland and every section oddly resembles your Dad’s house. Plus, you get to eat the meatballs! And wait in an hour-long line on the way out only to realize you bought all the wrong parts to a bed frame you can’t assemble and never will, so you end up living on an air mattress for six months until you convince some random strong neighbor or your ex- to put it together for you.
9. Give Your Exes A Second Chance
You're finally in a big city and the college lifestyle won't ruin your relationship this time. That's not true, it's not going to work. At least heartbreak is a good way to pass the time...right? #thethingswetellourselves
10. Do A Juice Cleanse
Detox the pain away! Maybe even live-tweet the experience. You'll probably end up crying in a towel venting to your subletter though.
11. Do Odd Jobs To Pass The Time
But be careful. Don't promise that random fourteen-year-old from Craigslist you'll do his math final. He's too scared you're secretly a teacher and won't show up at Times Square like he promised.
12. Throw Themed Parties
It's such a delight to throw a themed party. You are so enthuastic and quirky. But, no one will ever come dressed up. You're going to be alone dressed as Sailor Moon, a hula girl, and/or Heidi Montag.
13. Make An OkCupid
Because you can never date too many 29-year-old freelance photographers.
14. Start A Blog
Just do it! You've secretly wanted to be a writer since you first read Catcher In The Rye. Unfortunately, no one cares about the funny things you saw on the subway that day. I repeat, NO ONE CARES.
15. Finally Start That Band!
It can have a quirky, witty name based off of one of the two things you learned in college. Like “Waiting for Merlot." Get it? It’s a pun on Waiting For Godot. Except about wine. And it’s accurate. Because all you do is wait around until it’s socially acceptable to drink... AKA when it’s brunch and 11:00 am, Tuesday.