I don't want to mince words, or trick you into thinking you're about to read something about how great and adorable cake pops are, so let me just state our thesis right out of the gate: we hate you cake pops, and we want you to get away from us.
We absolutely understand why cake pops became "a thing." We, as a culture, love miniature things. Probably because it convinces you that you can eat a bunch of them and it doesn't count. But we're mad as hell that cake pops are here to stay, and we're going to do everything in our power to dismantle their rule.
Firstly, do you guys even realize that in order to make cake pops, you have to make a cake? Yeah! You go to the trouble of baking a cake. Then, instead of decorating it, presenting your hard work, then sharing a cake with your loved ones, you mash it up with a bunch of frosting and then cover it in more frosting. No one articulated this better than our Senior Editor:
@SMcPickles Cake pops are to cake what SPAM is to ham. They take a really good thing and mash it up into something grosser.
— Kristen Aiken (@kristenaiken) July 22, 2013
Exactly right, boss. And what does all that mashing with other things do to cake pops?
@SMcPickles Portable, but disturbingly smooshy
— sarah flynn (@flynnwaslike) July 22, 2013
Look guys, lollipops are lollipops. Cake is cake. Truffles are truffles. Croissants are croissants and doughnuts are doughnuts! Can't that be good enough?
Putting aside the ruined texture and increased sweetness of already sweet cake, the making and eating of a cake is a social event -- it's something to be shared, usually in celebration of something exciting. Cake pops make individual something that should be communal. What does that teach our children about the tradition of cake? That it's every man for himself at the dessert table? That you never need to be the one who slices the cake for everyone else before you get some yourself? That you are a unique and beautiful snowflake, and therefore you deserve five or six of your own, individual cakes, served up on sticks so you don't even have to LEARN TO USE SILVERWARE?
"But what about cupcakes?" you might be thinking to yourself. Listen, at least cupcakes are a middle ground. At least when you eat two cupcakes you realize you are being a greedy little piglet. Cake pops are a novelty at best, damaging to the fabric of cake society at best. As one friend noted:
@SMcPickles They're fun to eat once. But when the cognitive dissonance has worn off, you just want cake in a normal format.
— Baxter Holland (@MathRawk) July 22, 2013
Further, and perhaps worst of all, cake pops seem to inherently encourage the use of fondant. Fondant on fondant on fondant. Guys, fondant tastes like modeling clay with sugar in it. Can we just put that out there? Stop making your loved ones eat it. Stop making them eat MOSTLY fondant, by wrapping a golfball-sized ball of cake and OTHER FROSTING with it. I don't care how cute it is. In fact, its cuteness only serves to irk us even further -- like the word foodie and the dreaded nom-noms, cake pops manage to take something delicious, exciting and meaningful and turn it into a diminutive caricature of itself.
I can't say with absolute certainty that you'll never see a cake pop get celebrated on HuffPost Taste. But I can tell you that it will never come from me. I'll be enjoying the real thing. Without fondant or sticks to get in the way.