07/28/2013 09:06 am ET Updated Sep 27, 2013

I Will Not Apologize For My Body Anymore

I've spent most of my life apologizing for my appearance, for taking up space, for simply existing as a fat person. I apologized by only wearing dark colors (half of my wardrobe was black), by only wearing oversized clothing. I avoided prints, lace, sequins -- anything that may draw attention to me, or gawd forbid, make me look larger. I was constantly trying to compact my appearance and compact my personality. I would very easily become too visible, and consequently, too much -- too loud, too emotional, too tall, too fat, too much. I did everything I could to blend in. I didn't want to be noticed, because if anyone actually saw me, they would see I was fat and nothing else.

Looking at photos of myself was like my worst nightmare. Right there in front of me was the evidence that I was fat staring me in the face. I hated to have my photo taken, so I spent most of my time behind the lens. And when Facebook first launched, I would untag almost every photo of myself because I looked fat, and I just couldn't have people seeing my fat documented on the internet (as if they somehow didn't know I was fat until they saw my photo on Facebook).

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