I am giving you a free pass to get on my case for how cynical this whole thing is, because I do realize that and it's okay if you want to tease me for it. But I will just say that regardless, these things are so disturbingly true that it makes my stomach hurt just thinking about them. I am just doing everyone a favor and calling out the people who really don't know how to be in a relationship without irritating the rest of the world.
1. Baby talk.
The high-pitched "schookum baby peanut cupcake sweetie pie babycakes panda bear pookie kins." If I have to hear one more person greet their significant other in a voice four octaves above normal and then proceed to speak to them like they're four I will actually vomit.