When we first ventured to catalogue the most spectacular examples of Reddit's Shitty Food Porn, we already knew there would have to be a second volume. There was too much sad, ugly gold to fit it all into one edition. Readers, we're happy to say: today, that second volume has arrived.
The Shitty Food Porn sub-Reddit has really upped its game. This time around, we had to wade through fields of ill-advised mac and cheese creations, depressing desk lunches and late-night moments of desperation to find our favorites. Reddit, as ever, you did not disappoint. We love you and we want to talk to you about your food choices. Let's work through this together. If you keep this up, there might just be a Part 3.
1. "I had a hankering for some Indian dessert." - Dicks_In_The_Wind
This was the shitty food that launched a thousand ships (and by that we mean part two). We saw this post just after publishing our first edition of The Best of Reddit's Shitty Food Porn, and have been laughing so hard we're crying ever since. A for effort, man.
2. "Lunch." - ElNewbs
Is everything okay? Do you need to talk to someone?
3. "It's literally just a tortilla with Sriracha." - spud_of_anus
Bonus points for honesty.
4. "The meatloaf turned out not so moist." - LegacyZXT
At least you had the foresight to make some broccoli.
5. "Leftover Chile's Chicken Dippers with a Halved Loaded Baked Potato Appetizer on the side and presented on a Pilaf of Uncle Ben's Asian Style Rice." - therobotjeff
Your digestive tract called. It said you should go straight to hell.
6. "Work van lunch on the go. Ice cold, pre-cooked hamburgers, covered in hardened grease, dipped in mustard. Shitty Instagram filter for added food porn effect." - JBFRESHSKILLS
Bonus points for presentation. Big, big hugs for how sorry we are that you ate this for lunch in your van. I'm tearing up just thinking about this.
7. "Homemade Doritos Locos Taco" - jimmythetoast
I can tell you without reservation that you are DOIN' IT WRONG.
8. "Expectation vs Reality" - granadoeric
Holy hell, these are terrifying.
9. "Hey kids, who wants some delicious pumpkin pie?" - CaptainKate757
10. "Back to school special: ramen, Cheez-Its, and Tapatio!" - purplehatreddit
You're a student, so consider this a lesson: Cheez-Its OR ramen. Or. Not and.
11. "Microwave burrito served with Doritos, a dollop of cheese dip, a discounted bottle of lemonade and 1 Magnum ice cream bar." - Yoko337
Dietitians will tell you that the more colorful your food is, the healthier it is. Neon yellow/orange is not the color they are referring to.
12. "'Vegetarian sub' at my high school." - aborteddinosaur
We loved school. This makes us hate school. Your school is a jerk.
13. "Baked beans with spray can cheezy product and mayonnaise smear." - Officer_HotDog
Mayonnaise?? GET OUT.
14. "Crème brûlée." - allieriggs
Excellent use of diacritics in a Reddit post notwithstanding, you really f***ed this one up.
15. "Cheese platter." - Bumpercluts
Well... kind of.
16. "Vanilla wafer cereal." - esh484
For a moment, try to imagine the sound someone attempting to eat this "cereal" would have to make. You're welcome. Now never try this.
17. "Aldi burgers with peanut butter and cream cheese on a bed of tasty cheddar." - mystery666
While melting shredded cheese directly onto a plate and eating it is an old Shitty Food Porn standard, it never ceases to amaze us. Dude, peanut butter and cream cheese and burgers AND cheddar? Have you ever heard of lettuce?
18. "Canned Vienna Sausage and Italian-Style Wedding soup cooked in the dirty break-room microwave." - phylop
Whoa. This is one too many cans. Also, of course your break room microwave is dirty. They can barely pay you enough to afford food -- did you expect cleaning supplies? I don't want to be too harsh, because it's clear that you're going through some serious shit, but Vienna Sausages are not the answer. Not now, not ever.
19. "Poured ranch dressing over pretzel pieces and ate it like a bowl of cereal." - alapanamo
I'm really torn on whether I admire the ingenuity of this one or think it's one of the worst things I've ever seen. First, and this is a safe space, so I want you to answer honestly: have you ever met a real ice cream sundae? Would you like to? We could make that happen for you, if it would help.
20. "Pizza swimming in spaghetti rings." - ibmthinkpad
What the hell do you think you're doing? You can afford pizza. Pizza. Do you understand what that means? 1) Stop buying SpaghettiO's! What are you, nine? 2) You could have spent that SpaghettiO's money on something productive for pizza-dipping like ranch dressing or hot sauce! 3) Sorry for yelling. I just want to make sure that you know there are people out there who love you. You don't have to do this anymore. We'll find another way.