11/15/2013 12:00 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

9 People Who Are Way Drunker Than You Right Now

Sometimes it's nice to make the news, but not so much if it's because you were being a drunk idiot. Unfortunately for you, your reputation is ruined. And fortunately for the rest of the public, we get to laugh at your stupid intoxicated mistakes. We've compiled some of the drunkest news stories so you can gain some inspiration for this weekend never do what these people did.

It's the freakin' weekend and you're about to have you some fun. Just not as much fun as these people.

1. This woman who tried wearing a cheeseburger as a shoe.

cheeseburger shoe

Sometimes your carnal urges just take over -- especially when you're in the romantic setting of a Loganville, Ga. Waffle House parking lot. This lovely couple was making boom boom in their car earlier this year when police busted them. Loganville authorities said the woman was so drunk that she tried to put a cheeseburger on her foot like a sandal. We really wonder how she attempted that -- did she stick her foot between the bun and the patty? Also, is that the kind of information that police usually include in their reports? Who knows...

2. This girl who tweeted her whole arrest.

drunk girl

Here's a lesson: drinking and social media don't mix very well. Samantha Lynn Goudie, a 22-year-old who went by "@Vodka_Samm" on Twitter, blew a .341 BAC at a University of Iowa football game earlier this year. She decided to document her whole arrest on Twitter and the resulting tweets were hilarious, if not unsurprisingly devoid of self-awareness:

3. This man who used a taco as his ID.


Matthew Falkner managed to pay the cashier and get his tacos on night in 2011, but that's when the fun seemed to stop for the man from Jensen Beach, Fla. After passing out in his car while in the drive-thru line at Taco Bell, cops approached Falkner's car after the engine caught on fire. When authorities asked for his ID, the Miami New Times reports that he reached into his bag and emerged with a taco. When an officer noted that they'd asked for his ID, not his taco, Falkner responded by laughing and taking a bite out of his dinner.


4. This man who blamed his drunk driving on a horse.


John Mulvenna, of England's South Yorkshire, ran a red light in 2011 while on horse and carriage. When officers stopped him, Mulvenna blamed the mishap on his horse, Fred. He claimed poor Fred was colorblind. Officials didn't fall for it and ended up fining the drunkard $82. However, researchers studying equine vision say Mulvenna could have been right about Fred being colorblind. According to, "Red, orange, yellow and green probably all appear the same."

5. This guy who decided to ride a crocodile.


After getting kicked out of a pub in Australia in 2010, a drunk tourist decided to break into the zoo because he wanted to pet the crocodile, Fatso. Well, he took things a little too far and decided to actually ride the massive animal. Fatso was unsurprisingly not too happy about it. The croc took a large chunk out of the man's leg before thrusting him off.

6. This person who thought it was a good idea to drive a motorized shopping cart drunk.


Another day, another weird Florida drunk story. Timothy Carr, a resident of Brooksville, Fla. decided to go for a joyride around a Wal-Mart in a motorized shopping cart in 2011. As he rode around the store, he knocked down items from shelves, causing them to break. Oh, and he did all this with a beer in his hand ... that he'd stolen off the shelf.

7. This dude who drove a lawn mower through a snowstorm to get more alcohol.


Do not mess with Frank Kozumplik when he runs out of wine. Determined to keep the party going during a storm in 2008, the Adrian, Mich. man mounted a John Deer tractor and rode down the center of his street to get to the liquor store. When police arrested him and confiscated his mower, they revealed that his blood alcohol level was 2.5 times higher than Michigan's legal driving limit.

8. This Latvian man who drank enough to kill himself two times over ... and lived to tell the tale.


Latvian police were stunned in 2003 when they picked up an anonymous middle-aged man who was unconscious but stable, despite having a blood-alcohol level twice of what was thought to be deadly. His blood test showed 7.22 parts per million alcohol, more than six times the level that would make the average person vomit. We're wondering if he was actually human...

9. And this llama who had a better night on the town than you will ever have.

This is just awesome: A llama named Serge fled a circus in Bordeaux and partied into the morning hours with five intoxicated men. Serge proved he was one of the boys as he roamed the streets, took drunk photos and even rode the city's tram. Of course, the humans were to blame for this mischief. The five friends left a nightclub and decided to visit the nearby circus. They first tried to coax a zebra out its cage but he wasn't budging. They settled for Serge, who happily obliged. The guys didn't even get arrested, because the circus director reported that Serge was returned unharmed.



Dumb Criminals: Mugshot Gallery