11/19/2013 10:07 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

The Big, Gay, Holiday Guide To Straight People

Mike Harrington via Getty Images

This morning, a thin veil of snow fell gently in the Northeast and Midwest. While everyone was enjoying the splendor and beauty that signals a beautiful winter season, I was reminded that- SHIT! It’s already the fucking holiday season. Pack up the cobwebs and pull out the tinsel, because we are heading into family-palooza.

To help you navigate awkward family functions, this time last year I wrote a blog post called, “A Straight Gal’s Guide to Lesbians.” It is an informative and helpful guide about the myriad of misconceptions about the LGBTQ community. In the last year, I’ve hit some roadbumps on the path to enlightenment concerning some of my favorite breeders (yes, I know you hate that word, and no I won’t stop using it.) There is so much knowledge and humor and insight and cat pictures on the internet, I thought I would sum up some of the most bizarre questions and comments you will receive as part of the LGBTQ community and share some optimal responses so that you can maintain healthy relationships with ignorant jerks (A.K.A. your family). And let me tell you… these questions get SO much more awkward when the conversation is started over turkey, stuffing, and a boatload of merlot. To help navigate through these tricky arenas, I have posted cat pictures that coincide with the answers so you can understand them, even if you aren’t in the mood for reading.

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