12/03/2013 06:04 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

Penis Sizes By State: How Does Yours Measure Up?

wikimedia commons

Look. As much as you might hear that size doesn't matter, it does... to your ego.

To complicate everyone's relative feeling of self worth, condom seller Condomania ranked the states with the largest average penis size, based on the thoroughly unscientific metric of who bought what where. That includes smaller and larger-sized condoms.

Here's an illustrated look at the top ten, followed by some below the belt shots at the rest of the states.

  • 1 North Dakota
    Wikimedia Commons
    Rising high on the Great Plains, the State Capitol in Bismarck is the most phallic image we could find from North Dakota, whose average size of manhood dwarfs all the other pathetic states.
  • 2 Rhode Island
    That's one big... rooster. The nation's smallest state is known for this special fowl, the Rhode Island Red, and larger-than-average members. Evidently, good things come in small packages.
  • 3 South Dakota
    Getty Images
    Towering, majestic, and hard as a rock, Mount Rushmore is a symbol of South Dakota. But apparently it's not the only thing monumental about the state, which allegedly boasts the third-largest average penis size in the U.S.
  • 4 Washington, D.C.
    Wikimedia Commons
    Fourth-largest penises, easiest image.
  • 5 Massachusetts
    Everyone knows Red Sox fans can be huge dicks, but no one expected their bats would be so above average. Massachusetts is home to the fifth-largest penises in the country. And also to this hilarious phallic mascot of the UMASS-Boston Beacons.
  • 6 Ohio
    Wikimedia Common
    There's an old joke: What's the only thing that grows in Cleveland? Enormous penises.
  • 7 Arizona
    Jeff Dean | Wikimedia Commons
    That big canyon isn't the only thing that's grand in Arizona. Consider this spiny Saguaro specimen.
  • 8 Alabama
    Wikimedia Commons
    This picture of Alabama Crimson Tide mascot Big Al at Bryant Denny Stadium shows kind of how we feel about Alabama's ranking on this list. Who knew? Nice trunk, Big Al.
  • 9 New York
    Joe Mabel / Flickr / Wikimedia Commons
    Look, we all know what New York's rivalry with Chicago was really about. Pizza.
  • 10 South Carolina
    Ken Thomas | Wikimedia Commons
    Make no mistake: South Carolinians love their Gamecocks. But do you know what we love? This vaguely phallic Peachoid.

11. Colorado: Mountainous members.
12. Maryland: The proximity to D.C. must be rubbing off.
13: Wisconsin: Don't be offended the next time someone calls you "cheesehead."
14. New Jersey: Hey, fuggedaboudit.
15. California: California love.
16. Florida: Good overall, but disappointing since the state's shaped like a penis.
17: Connecticut: Land of steady habits and middling penis size.
18. Virginia: Virginia is for lovers. Slightly above-average lovers.
19. Oregon: The Oregon Trail doesn't lead to exceptional penis size. #BeaverState.
20. Pennsylvania: Home to the Pirates, and other disappointments.
21. Washington: We see what you're doing with that Space Needle, Seattle.
22. Tennessee: Known for country and rock 'n' roll. And now, the blues.
23. New Mexico: "Land of Enchantment" refers mostly to the desert, FYI.
24. Georgia: "Time" thinks there are no penises in Georgia. Well, they're wrong.
25. Iowa: Where corn is king... of innuendo.
26. Illinois: Have you heard the good news about the penis church?
27. Louisiana: Somehow we thought things would be bigger in the Big Easy.
28. Vermont: Let's not make Green Mountains out of molehills.
29. Utah: Average wieners, but at least the women are beautiful... however...
30. Maine: If "you can't get there from here," don't be surprised.
31. Nebraska: More corn. More innuendo.
32. Idaho: Long on potatoes. Meat? Not so much.
33. Kansas: What's the matter with Kansas? Small penises.
34. Delaware: Mediocre ranking, but c'mon... it's Delaware.
35. Michigan: You know there had to be a tradeoff for the 2013 Lions season.
36. Nevada: And you thought one-night-stands in Vegas were a gamble before...
37. New Hampshire: Live free or die of shame.
38. Oklahoma: OOOOOklahoma where not many people have large penises.
39. Montana: Not so mountainous.
40. Minnesota: Not so nice.
41. Kentucky: Original recipe for disaster? Some sad lil' nuggets.
42. Texas: Not everything is bigger in Texas.
43. Indiana: Hoosiers lose. Hoosiers lose...
44. West Virginia: As if West Virginia didn't have it hard enough.
45. Missouri: Not much to see in the "Show Me State."
46. Alaska: That rugged exterior hides a lie.
47. North Carolina: South Carolina is like ROFLCOPTER.
48. Wyoming: Big sky, little else.
49. Arkansas: Don't worry, you have personality.
50. Hawaii: Prophetically, "aloha" means "hello" and "goodbye."
51. Mississippi: lol...