12/28/2013 10:56 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

New Year's Resolutions That 'Orange Is The New Black' Characters Need To Make


Tis the season for New Year's resolutions!

Who could stand to make some personal changes more than the characters of “Orange Is The New Black”? Sure, any correctional facility is going to have its dysfunction, but who says a person can't change? Both the prisoners and the correctional officers of Litchfield's women's prison have got some work to do on the self-improvement front, and we know just the resolutions they should make to better themselves.

Piper Chapman: Stand down.

Piper seriously needs to work on keeping her head down. Between petitioning to have Pennsatucky released from psych, accidentally sending Watson to SHU over a misplaced screwdriver, telling everyone about the infamous chicken, and see-sawing between Larry and Alex, Piper would do well to take a step back and keep it quiet for a bit. All she needs to do is stay out of trouble and rack up some good behavior points.

Larry Bloom: Grow up.

Larry’s a great guy, faithful and devout while Piper’s incarcerated, but he's weak and jealous. He looks to his parents for advice and money more often than the average 30-something-year-old and he really can’t handle the fact that Piper’s locked up with her ex-girlfriend. Sure, he broke off his and Piper's engagement when the jealousy boiled over, but we’ll see if that lasts.

Alex Vause: Leave Piper alone.

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Ugh, Alex is still in love with Piper, but she hates her, except when she loves her, which is not when she hates her. She already played a pretty large role in destroying Piper’s engagement, but she can't seem to decide exactly what she wants from her ex-girlfriend. Given the fact that she's the reason Piper's in prison in the first place, Alex should really be nicer to her on and off lover.

Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson: Get out of jail and STAY out.

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So close! Taystee's successful appeal allowed her a few days on the outside before she committed a fresh crime that landed her back in prison. Sure, we rejoiced when she returned to Litchfield because she’s fierce, hilarious, and the coolest librarian you’ll ever meet, but if she’s ever going to have a real life, she’s got to get out and stay out.

Tiffany “Pennsatucky” Doggett: Try out those Christian principles of love and forgiveness.

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For someone who claims that Jesus Christ is speaking through her, she’s not very kind or forgiving. Pennsatucky wants a "whites only" bathroom, and she is certainly not tolerant to seeing other inmates "lesbianing together." Delightful. After calling Piper the “devil” and trying to stab her with a crucifix shank, it’s pretty clear that Tiffany needs to take some time to work on herself.

Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren: Tone it down just a little.

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As Shakespeare wrote in “Richard II,” “Thy overflow of good converts to bad.” Suzanne has so many wonderful qualities, but they often get lost behind her overwhelming exterior. When she thinks she's made a mistake, Suzanne even hits herself in the head yelling “stupid” over and over. She could stand to tone it down, both towards others, and towards herself.

George “Pornstache” Mendez: Be.Less.Disgusting.

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He claims to be “a person with feelings and emotions,” but how is anyone supposed to know that when he spews out such charming lines as “I want to f*ck Jesus in his hand-hole” and “The stash is not for fags. It’s for f*ckin’ men”? Aside from smuggling lots of drugs into the prison, he has also framed an overdose as a suicide, felt up several inmates, and generally made the lives of Litchfield’s ladies pretty miserable. So while the resolution to “be less disgusting” is a little vague, it’s really just comprehensive enough.

John Bennett and Daya Diaz: Re-attend Sex Ed.

Did the couple not think Daya could get pregnant from unprotected sex? Come on, even Pornstache was sensible enough to use a condom when having sex with an inmate. Bennett and Daya both need to sit in on a couple sessions of high school health class.

Sophia Burset: Make no changes, but teach the other ladies your ways.

Sophia makes her own shower shoes, has cornered the market on hairdressing services, and is willing to do just about anything in order to see a doctor for her estrogen. She even put aside her own feelings to give her wife's new relationship with their pastor her blessing. Is there really any room for Sophia to improve? With all of her amazing qualities, Sophia's resolution should be to help others; she could make life at Litchfield a whole lot nicer by spreading her wisdom.