Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Click through the slideshow below to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Waste of Time #456: Attempting to explain the guiding principles of hide-and-seek to my two-year-old.
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) January 8, 2014
Child watching me pick out an outfit: What are those?
Child: You have beautiful spanx.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 8, 2014
First words out of 10YO's mouth this morning: "Only eleven months til Christmas!" OMFG
— jenna mccarthy (@jennawrites) January 7, 2014
Parenting math: for every degree below freezing the temperature drops, chance that your kid will forget lunch/homework/recorder rises 10%.
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) January 7, 2014
From a mom's view, a polar vortex is a large-scale cyclone that hits your home on snow days leaving every room in the kids' path destroyed.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) January 7, 2014
Raising Toddlers is a lot like being the only sober person at a rave.
— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) January 9, 2014
Training for a Navy Seal should include successfully navigating through the parking lot at a preschool.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) January 7, 2014
I wonder if 500 years from now philosophers will cite pinterest as the leading source of 21st century north american existential angst.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) January 11, 2014
3-year-old: Can I have a bite?
3: *takes my brownie*
*walks away with it*
Children are the ultimate diet plan.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2014
"Let's rhyme words."
"Okay, what rhymes with mutthead?"
— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) January 6, 2014
"Mommy, don't you want me to LIVE? I need food!" Actual words said by 8-yr-old when I refused to let her eat a cupcake before dinner.
— Ellen Seidman (@LoveThatMax) January 7, 2014
After sitting and waiting for 6 hours I'm starting to think that my 2 year old has forgotten the word "Goose".
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) January 6, 2014
Me: "Stop shaking your head around! You'll hurt your brain!!!"
It's amazing how quickly your kids can turn you into your parents.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) January 7, 2014
Fun fact I just learned! Washing machines may object to the fact that when wet, Pillow Pets suddenly weigh 427 lbs & flood your whole house!
— Mommyland Rants (@mommylandrants) January 8, 2014
Wondering if the lady who appears with samples every time 22mo is freaking out at the grocery store wants to come home and live with us.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) January 6, 2014
Basically, the baby is just using me for my iPhone now.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) January 5, 2014
Thinking about having kids? Just dump a box of Cheerios on the floor, stomp all over it, and stop having sex. Done.
— Cuppy (@runawaycupcake) January 9, 2014
4yo: Mommy if you let me sleep in your bed every night I won't be a crankypants. If you don't let me I will be a crankypants. You decide.
— MamaFlo (@MamaFlores) January 7, 2014
HEAR YE, THERE IS NO SCHOOL TOMORROW. *rolls up scroll, throws it into fire, walks into pub*
— Brittany Gibbons (@brittanyherself) January 8, 2014
Note to the person who created washable crayons:
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) January 4, 2014
Sometimes my daughter laughs hysterically in her sleep, so life can't be all bad.
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) January 11, 2014