01/29/2014 05:29 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Non-Existent Candidate Leads Non-Existent Competitors In Non-Existent Race, According To Poll

Larry Busacca/NJ via Getty Images

The 2016 election, as you know, is basically any minute now -- if by "any minute" you mean "one million, four hundred and fifty-four thousand, four hundred minutes, give or take." But polls aren't going to conduct themselves, and so on Wednesday there is wow much news so polled very amaze news about the GOP presidential primary that is not happening. Per Politico:

In the wake of his “Uncle Sugar” comments at the Republican National Committee Winter Meeting, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has taken the lead in a hypothetical 2016 Republican primary, according to a new poll.

Huckabee gained 3 points in the past month to top the GOP field at 16 percent, according to a left-leaning Public Policy Polling survey released Wednesday.

Yes, in the Magic Kingdom of Hypothetica, Mike Huckabee, on the strength of comments that embarrassed Reince Priebus, is narrowly beating Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Paul Ryan, Marco Rubio, Luke Skywalker, Grumpy Cat, and a plucky little toaster that can talk and grant wishes, but would trade all of his powers for the chance to find true love.

Meanwhile, in America, I would really, really caution anyone to think twice before betting that Mike Huckabee will run, let alone lead a primary field. Call me up when Huckabee starts doing things like hiring an experienced campaign staff or signing up major donors.

Meanwhile, I'll note that this Politico article failed to use either of the applicable symbols that Ariel Edwards-Levy and I suggested in the Early Polling Shorthand System that we developed last week:

Ø: Yes, your suspicions are correct, Public Policy Polling is trolling you again.

polling symbol seven

By indicating right at the top that the poll in question is a bit of Public Policy Polling trolling, it allows the reader to experience the poll's result in the spirit PPP intended, which is "smirking."

Additionally, the piece should have used the "»" symbol.

»: This poll went ahead and also tested 26 other super-duper obscure candidates because there literally wasn't anything better to ask about in May 2014.

polling symbol three

Wow, me and Ariel basically nailed that one.

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