COMEDY
02/13/2014 03:17 pm ET Updated Feb 13, 2014

Valentine's Day DOs And DON'Ts For Couples, Single People And The Hopelessly Confused

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To quote Bart Simpson, "I hate this stupid holiday! The only thing you can do is screw it up."

Amen.

Whether you're single, in a relationship or are so confused by modern dating that you don't even know anymore, here are some Valentine's Day DOs and DON'Ts to help you get through Feb. 14 like a champ.

  • 1 Let's face it, Valentine's Day is something everyone dreads sometimes.
    ::Shudders::
    ::Shudders::
  • 2 If you're single, there's all this unnecessary pressure to have a date.
    Whoops.
    Whoops.
  • 3 That you actually know.
    Ahem.
    Ahem.
  • 4 A HUMAN date.
    AHEM.
    Giphycom
    AHEM.
  • 5 Even if you're happily single, being alone on Feb. 14 is supposed to be a let down.
    You say you don't care, but no one believes you.
    You say you don't care, but no one believes you.
  • 6 It's not like it was back in elementary school, when V-Day was a no-brainer.
    Everyone "loves" everyone!
    Everyone "loves" everyone!
  • 7 If you give an adult a Valentine, you might get rejected.
    Ugh.
    Ugh.
  • 8 So, DON'T resort to using boring, old clichés.
    Dream big.
    Dream big.
  • 9 Or groan-worthy puns.
    Come on, now.
    Come on, now.
  • 10 Or... Whatever you call this.
    So romantic we can hardly stand it.
    So romantic we can hardly stand it.
  • 11 DO say something honest, funny and heartfelt.
    Oh, they'll Instagram this for sure.
    Oh, they'll Instagram this for sure.
  • 12 If you're single, DON'T subject yourself to PDA-filled date night spots.
    You should probably just avoid any restaurant with a French word in its name.
    You should probably just avoid any restaurant with a French word in its name.
  • 13 DO take advantage of the fact that it's socially acceptable to gorge yourself on chocolates.
    Yum.
    Yum.
  • 14 DON'T compare your plans to the people around you.
    Are you kidding me with this?
    Are you kidding me with this?
  • 15 DO be creative in how you celebrate Valentine's Day.
    It doesn't have to be all lovey-dovey and lame.
    It doesn't have to be all lovey-dovey and lame.
  • 16 And DON'T forget that it's not the only holiday on Feb. 14.
    The point is: you've got options.
    The point is: you've got options.
  • 17 DO surprise your Valentine with something special.
    It means even more if you made it yourself!
    It means even more if you made it yourself!
  • 18 But DON'T expect a grand romantic gesture.
    No reason to get your hopes up based on stuff you've only seen on TV.
    No reason to get your hopes up based on stuff you've only seen on TV.
  • 19 DO order a heart-shaped pizza.
    Seriously, no one will ever turn that down.
    Seriously, no one will ever turn that down.
  • 20 But DON'T got to far with the heart-shaped stuff.
    How... sweet?
    How... sweet?
  • 21 DO tell someone you love them.
    A must.
    A must.
  • 22 DON'T think about how creepy Cupid is.
    A naked, winged baby who shoots you with an arrow? No thanks.
    A naked, winged baby who shoots you with an arrow? No thanks.
  • 23 DO make roses made out of bacon.
    Okay, use vegetarian bacon if you must.
    Okay, use vegetarian bacon if you must.
  • 24 Or a kinky whip out of Twizzlers.
    You know, if they're into that kind of thing.
    You know, if they're into that kind of thing.
  • 25 But DON'T give a gag gift when they're expecting something nice.
    Thanks?
    Thanks?
  • 26 DO pay attention to what your partner wants.
    Even if it's ridiculous.
    Even if it's ridiculous.
  • 27 DON'T cheap out on what you eat.
    If your date has a reservation at White Castle, maybe suggest staying in.
    If your date has a reservation at White Castle, maybe suggest staying in.
  • 28 DO work on your pick-up lines.
    Nailed it.
    Nailed it.
  • 29 DON'T Give anyone crabs, ironically or otherwise.
    You're better than this.
    You're better than this.
  • 30 Or "affordable trash services."
    'Nuff said.
    'Nuff said.
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