02/20/2014 07:00 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Quinoa Is Weird: Here Are 10 Alternative Grains To Get To Know Instead

A few weeks ago, I committed a grave error in judgement: I announced on twitter that I still don't get quinoa. Responses ranged from "no but you have to try it in a salad" (which, guys, of course I've tried it in a salad, a salad is quinoa's natural habitat) to simply, "f*** you." So listen, before you tell me that I just need to try it as a breakfast cereal simmered with coconut milk, or cooked into scones, or whatever, please know this: I have tried quinoa all of the ways I am going to try quinoa. The truth is -- my truth is -- quinoa is weird.

When I was kid, I had a "Make Your Own Layered Candle" kit. It came with tiny bags filled with tiny pellets of colored wax. That is what I see, smell, taste, feel and hear when I eat quinoa. I don't think there is an amount of coconut milk on earth that can change it. Quinoa is not only weird, it might also be making a portion of the planet totally miserable, suddenly having found that what was once their staple grain is getting shipped off to America so that we can all enjoy our complete proteins and coconut milk. According to The Guardian, in Lima, quinoa is now more expensive than chicken. If you can live with that, please enjoy your healthy wax pellets. If not, here are a bunch of quinoa alternatives that are totally delicious, also great for you and aren't ruining an indigenous culture's access to their traditional food.

There was life after kale, there will be life after quinoa. We promise.

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